Butterfly Dreams

2006-10-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

"a year has passed..but im still here stuck and tormented. How can so much love be taken away by someone who actually ruined everything? As i lie in my bed, as tears fall down my face.all i can do is mourn..its over.. ilost him.. his heart belong to someone new..i hate her..i love you and its hurting"here i am at sea(both literally and figuretively) as i sit down by the shore..while the wind continiously soothing me and as i stare at such wonder..i feel so alone..here i stand,at one of the most beautiful places any person can ever be..with no one to share it with..not even my friends nor family..as i begin to roll back the memories of my once happy life..it hurts me so to realize what i have lost..what i could have been..asking why things didn't last..For my Beloved..for years it has only been you,,no matter where i go and what i do..all paths lead me back to you..indeed its true,the mind can never interfere with what the heart desires..(well in my case)but i cant wait forever for you..at the moment im confused..why are u slowly coming back in my world you once left..how can things exist as such when i know you have to learned to love the person i blame for all the pain i have had with you in my life..is this for real?or im just your temporary comfort? that i do not know,,and its something i wish to not know very soon..forever you will be the man of my dreams..forever you will be the only man i ever really loved..i love you so much..but i have to move on..i will always treasure everytime we spend time for each other and i will always hold on to those memories..but for now.. i have to say goodbyeif ever our hearts meet again..id still be here for you..For my Friends..i loved you guys so much that it hurts to realize that thingd have changed.whatever we do, i have insomeway lost all of you,,our loyalty has vanished and so with the value we once had for each other..we now are in our different worlds. we must now take differenroads. I will never forget the happy times we all had, but i guess its time for me to go...together with some of our friends i still have with me..ill never forget you guys but it would be better for me to leave..For You..(you know who you are..)im sorry for the many times ive hurt youyouve always been there for mecaring and loving mebuti just cant love you back the way you want me toeither way, i will hurt you..sohere i am doing what i think is right..thank you,,im sorry,,x.cess: if i could only love you..because i know i'll be happy with you..For HER..Why is it so hard to forgive you?Why did you ever have to come into my life,,now im broken and in someway its all because of you..you gave me lies and i trusted you..now you have him and i lost him..thanks to you..ive never been this miserable..i just hope one day karma wont bite you..hmm..for the very last time.. ill let all these feelings out and once and for all leave it behind..

2006-09-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

hmm.. for some reasons..im using friendster blog..hehe.. so if you guys wanna check out my latest post check out my account: lou_rayne@yahoo.com.ph hehe..ciao! ;)

2006-08-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

life and its uncertainties..here i am, bumming inside UST library.. surprisingly, i wish to be alone and unseen.. hmm.. on second thought,do i really want to? or am i immune already to accept the fact that for weeks ive been feeling so damn unimportant to the people who i actually thought would care for me.. i remember those times i felt so happy for having them..that with them things will be MORE fun but then i guess i take it back...indeed, i will never forget all the wonderful memories we guys had..all those laughters all those illusions that made me think such friendship could last.. but i guess everything does change..(theres no exemption to the rule..) sadly but i guess this is what life has bestowed unto me.. i am not mad though i am hurting and feeling a litle foolish with such feelings i hold with in me right now..why does changes have to occur when they dont actually do good? why does reality keep on revealing lifes unpleasantness.. why can i just live my life without worries..? hmm...im thinking too mcuh again and i know it sucks..im driving myself crazy once more..but its okie, hell with it.. i can do this on my own well techinically, "hindi lang naman sila mga tao sa mundo!" but it still pains me..everytime i feel ignorance, not being welcomed? lolz..college life? BOOM!!! nyweiz, despite that complication im still looking forward and hoping that things will indeed go smoothly for me.. i know in my heart that i study but ther are instances that i guess your best is really not enough..or the situation doesnt seem to blend with you..hmm..i sound a little frustrating? dont i? well, at least im not hidng it..hmm.. but lifes cool.. and if God grants my wish( samin na un..) ill never regret that i felt this waay.. coz..upon granting my prayer.. theres no need for me to worry coz its the only thing i really need now.. whether with or with out them..

x'cess: to whoever would read this blog,hmm.. im kinda pissed of lang din kasi..imagine u wake up early in the morning for something then biglang poof!!! di ka na kasya sa dapt mong gawin..(damn!) bahala sila..

2006-08-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

"no matter what i do..i just keep coming back.." Time does heal all wounds but time can bring it back.. Its so hard standing in front of the one thing that trully made you happy.. I feel a little guilty when i say that i feel so alone.. I feel that no one cares and love me trully aside from my family that is.. I have tons of friends, but im not so sure if they will always be there for me.. I need people whom can understand me and pay attention to whatever thougts i wish to say. What i ask is not so much but why cant i have it..why does life have to be so hard..call me crazy and pathetic..but i really do wish there was someone i could turn to.. someone who can take care of me and make me happy..life is so stressful and im getting more tired as time goes by. sigh* i wish the wheel of success comes my way very soon..

2006-07-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

I just remembered awhile ago in class, we were talking about BLOGS. How come some people make use of online blogs when they are too embarrassed that some might be able to read it? Weird, but I do understand why some feel that way.

BLOGS are used to express whatever is written in your heart. It’s not some piece that you have to correct or edit. FYI: To be able to write well, practice helps. And when we practice it is always possible that we make mistakes. So for BLOG HOPPERS out there. I would really appreciate if you would take some time reading not critique rather have insights and reflect on whatever piece of writing is shared…

As for me, It really doesn’t matter if people would care to read my journals or not but I’d really appreciate receiving insights from other people regarding my topics.

This has been a “meaningful” week for me. I realized a lot of things that even the storm GLENDA couldn’t stop me.

“Rainy days on Mondays always gets me down..” I was able to picture myself in this scenario during this week. I wasn’t really doing much but my mind indeed was exploring.

I always felt like crying not knowing why but im just so sick with that idea that I ended up becoming my crazy personality the whole school week. I wasn’t being pretentious. One thing I learned is that we make our decisions. What to do and feel. How to resolve and accept things. It doesn’t feel nice to feel sad so do things that wont lead you to that feeling.

There is no perfect happiness in this world so a little bit of pain and insanity wont kill you. So far, God has never given me any complication which I was not able to resolve. He knows i can manage and I did. (but its was really hard though..)

If I were to describe my life at this very moment, I would say that my life is drawing me closer to reality. I no longer feel like a princess trapped inside her kingdom. Im in the reality world now and I must adjust to its conditions.

As much as I would want to deny it, I almost cried during our NATSCI class last Thursday. Sir Olivar surprisingly lead me to look back and remember those times I took for granted that might have made me happy. He said that memories are like snowflakes. Once it melts... You’ll never see that same kind of snowflake again.

With all the complexities in my life. I have completely forgotten to sit down and relax and see the simple pleasures I once cared about so much. In someway, I pity myself for being so competitive in this world. For pushing myself too much in becoming my idealistic me.
Sigh* I still lack so many things in my life and I have probably lost a lot from the past. But here I am breathing.. Looking behind me I can still see my friends and family supporting and loving me.

My life as of now is not perfect.. Absolutely not. Life has given me a new reason to traumatize myself to love again ( what’s new? I got hurt again..) Im agonizing in not being able to achieve my dreams in life.

But whatever dilemmas I have and will have..

As long as there is a possibility to be happy..

I’ll always be grateful…

And..

SMILE..

2006-07-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

my medicines are killing me. they make me shake every now and then. it makes me lose my appetite and makes me feel more sick. i had practice today for our pe class and i wasnt really feeling well but it was fun. something came up but still i felt so happy.. i was blushing,crazy and abnormal!!! after my activities in school we all chilled in g8way and had laughtrips once more. i remebered myself commiting so many mistakes in words that has f..i was not in my true condition haha! i was in my unusual weirdness. as always they were guys that approached us..(no choice! wahaha...;)) they were good looking but they made me laugh! we were walking and then one of the guys said "Hi mga AB building.." WAHAAH! building? so were structures of UST? OMG! turn off!!! oh well.. still have things to do.. im outta here! ;)

bittersweet

2006-07-21T04:59:00.000-07:00

All i can do is smile everytime i think of you. Its been awhile since i last felt this feeling of mushiness floating around my body. I never expected that a simple attraction can turn into something as big as this. I just saw you awhile ago, it may not have been the way i wanted to see you. but your mere presence enlightens my soul! wahaha! you made me forget my painful past.. you gave me hope that love for me is still possible..but i see you with another person in the picture.someone close to me.. someone whom i consider as my friend. but liking u never meant you had to do the same. you told me statements that was so pleasant to my ears... if only you knew the truth that " yes, i want to be your gurl.." but i know its not easy and i know its not possible.. sigh* bitterweet love..but as i always say..it was worth a try.. ;)

2006-07-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

why is it so hard to convince yourself that its so over? why is it so hard to assure your self that things will be okay? here i am in the middle of a conversation i never thought would happen again.. but things does change..i just deal with it..damn.. but i wont deny it still hurts.. it may not be as painful as it was before..but still the pain remains..ill just let God handle whatever happenings i have in my life...he knows best..i trust him...

2006-07-12T10:01:00.001-07:00

i never thought id be breathing again.. i never thought that i could still enjoy life. its true that your decisions really affect so much of whats happening in your life. i should have not let my emotions carry me away. its nice to feel free again. free from pain,anger and resentment. i dont know im juz so happy with all the things that i am encountering these days. i can say now that im back to normal. i am now what i have really become. seeing myself smiling, laughing makes me beleive that im okay now. im amazed that i now am starting to have crushes again.something i usually dont do. im really studying very hard. im more responsible and independent now if i may say so. God indeed has plans for me..and whatever it may be. hard may it be.. as long as its Gods will.. AMEN! hehe.. im outta here..

2006-07-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

i know that its no longer july 1, still i wanna mention this and include it in this post i am now working on. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMART!!! i was in their place awhile ago to celebrate his party. i actually thought that id go home early but i had fun. i was hyper again and it felt so good. having so much stress in school lead me to have this crazy feeling that made me go crazy and hyper. i laughed like a hyeena and i didnt care if it was a turn off for some visitors that were there..hehe.. the important thing is that iwas having fun. it was nice to see my highschool friends again.i missed them. i got to meet new friends as well. not to mention i got the chance to eat yummy food wahaha! its nice to know that i can still relax.damn! its sunday already and i have classes on mon..im so scared! i hope i can do this.well i still have to do things. now im signing off..

2006-06-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

what can i say.. life is treating me surprisingly good. classes started for almost a month already and so far the only dilemma i have (so to speak..) are no other than my academics. i study hard! i really do. but i must admit, its really complicated. im agonizing with some of my subjects such as math and natsci not to mention im a lil bit afraid for my social dance class. will i survive? that is one thing im really working so hard on as of this moment. however, i believe i can say that im happy. i was elected class president and ms.bes for our pageant thing for our general assembly. its flattering to be nominated but it comes with great responsibilities if i may say so. there is fun allright. but im actually stressed out as of this very hour. i actually cant imagine that im still using some of my time in narrating such events in my present life. maybe im so stressed out that i need some time to refresh my mind. im proud to say that im slowly improving in terms of my emotional complications that i used to have. i dont cry as often as i used to. and my so called love problems are not so visible in my mind anymore. i realized one thing.. trully love has limits. no matter how u love a person u still manage to give up. giving up in a sense that u love the person all right but its never enough. u juz have to accept the fact that its not meant to be. little by little his completely fading. i barely see him anymore and the longing to see him feeling seemed to disapear.though sometimes my thoughts still confuse me. things are so impossible for us yet why am i scared to completey give up on the chance that there is still this chance of us getting back. i know im still young but it scares me that i might end up being single for the rest of my life. im not loveless. its just dat i prefer to be single.i cant picture myself with a new guy right now. i have options but i guess thats it for now. i miss the love thing i assume but it just has to wait or shall i say i just have to wait. admitingly, if its possible i still wanna work things out for us for the last time yet with so much confusion sometimes i tend to drop that idea in my head. here i go again confusing myself. anyway, i know that GOD will guide and help me. i leave it all up to him. well thats a brief info about me as of this moment.gotta bounce..ciao!

Butterfly Dreams

*bittersweet*

bittersweet